Joe Paterno

My Dancing-with-the-Stars Recruits (#DWTS)

I’ll admit I can barely distinguish a Quickstep from a quick lube. But I can spot a must-see TV lineup from miles away.

That’s why I am coming to the rescue of the Dancing with the Stars producers with some kickin’ nominees for next year’s season.

Despite exceptional ratings for this (my virgin) DWTS season, it’s going to be a challenge to maintain the momentum next year. So I have taken it upon myself to suggest a DWTS Dream Team, representing the finest in politics, athletics and show business:

THE GALS:

Gloria Allred – I’ll bet this ambulance-chasing “attorney” is just aching to kick off her sensible shoes and kick it into high gear.

Sylvia Browne – Clearly, this psychic wonder needs to get off her psychic ass and start her blood a-pumping.

Ann B. Davis – At 84, this Brady-loving maid could show up that spotlight-craving Florence Henderson in no time flat.

Mindy McCready – In and out of jail (even after her stint on “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew”), this country gal is poised for a Texas-sized comeback.

Janet Reno – Ever since Saturday Night Live concocted the infectious “Janet Reno’s Dance Party,” I’ve craved a glimpse of this former Attorney General busting a spicy cha-cha.

Raquel Welch – No 70-year-old woman has a right to be this hot. But since she is, let her dance, people!


THE GUYS:

Dennis Kucinich – His wife is half his age and twice his height, so this presidential hopeful has absolutely no trouble reaching for the sky.

Yao Ming – At the other end of the spectrum is a 7-foot 6-inch, 310-pound man who consistently tears it up on the basketball court. Let’s see what happens when King Ming is mainstreamed with normal-sized humans.

Dick Cheney – Rumor has it that this ticking time bomb of a former Vice President has some impeccably fancy feet.

Joe Paterno – This legendary, nerd-like Penn State football coach has the potential of becoming the first contestant eliminated before the music even begins.

Brett Michaels – Who doesn’t adore this heavy-metal-god-who-nearly-died-then-won-the-Celebrity-Apprentice? The camera loves him. He loves himself more.

Mel Gibson – He’s offended Jews, blacks, women and various other minorities. That still leaves a good portion of us ready to witness another meltdown.

 

Any other nominees you’d like to put forth?