Death to the Happy Meal


In case you missed this important development amid last week’s election hoopla, the city of San Francisco has just banned the Happy Meal.

It’s true – the SF Board of Supervisors has put a stop to those death boxes marketed by McDonald’s because (gasp!) they contain a toy that may, in fact, entice kids to want them.

Seems city officials deemed the calorie, fat, salt and sugar content in these meals to be too elevated for the public good. Accordingly, McDonald’s and its brethren must either adapt their kids’ fare to meet specific nutritional criteria or remove those plastic lures altogether.

I guess their logic is that kids will be less likely to beg their parents to buy a Happy Meal if it doesn’t contain a Buzz Lightyear action figure.

Childhood obesity epidemic or not, I think this action is highly misguided – and a bit frightening (in the slippery slope sense of the word.)

But while they’re in Gestapo mode, our government friends in the city by the bay might also consider enacting bans on the following activities immediately:

Trick or treating  [a needless ritual whose entire goal is to gather – and ingest – as many empty calories as possible]

Backyard football  [everything’s fun until someone gets paralyzed]

Hairstyles exceeding the shoulder region  [far too distracting to others and a potential tangling nightmare]

Neighborhood ice cream trucks  [menacing mobile marketers of bomb pops and other frozen evil]

Sleeping past 8 a.m.  [let’s face it, only sloths sleep in]

Casual kissing  [unless, of course, you want to expose yourself to herpes, hepatitis, trench mouth and a host of other communicable diseases]

Coloring outside the lines  [an obvious gateway to nonconformity and lawlessness]

Lighting candles after dark  [these wax infernos are just one enormous fire hazard]

Midnight snacks  [cereal after noon is completely irresponsible and unnecessary]

Wearing Crocs  [they just aren’t appropriate fashion statements for anyone at anytime]