Dancing with the Stars

My Dancing-with-the-Stars Recruits (#DWTS)

I’ll admit I can barely distinguish a Quickstep from a quick lube. But I can spot a must-see TV lineup from miles away.

That’s why I am coming to the rescue of the Dancing with the Stars producers with some kickin’ nominees for next year’s season.

Despite exceptional ratings for this (my virgin) DWTS season, it’s going to be a challenge to maintain the momentum next year. So I have taken it upon myself to suggest a DWTS Dream Team, representing the finest in politics, athletics and show business:

THE GALS:

Gloria Allred – I’ll bet this ambulance-chasing “attorney” is just aching to kick off her sensible shoes and kick it into high gear.

Sylvia Browne – Clearly, this psychic wonder needs to get off her psychic ass and start her blood a-pumping.

Ann B. Davis – At 84, this Brady-loving maid could show up that spotlight-craving Florence Henderson in no time flat.

Mindy McCready – In and out of jail (even after her stint on “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew”), this country gal is poised for a Texas-sized comeback.

Janet Reno – Ever since Saturday Night Live concocted the infectious “Janet Reno’s Dance Party,” I’ve craved a glimpse of this former Attorney General busting a spicy cha-cha.

Raquel Welch – No 70-year-old woman has a right to be this hot. But since she is, let her dance, people!


THE GUYS:

Dennis Kucinich – His wife is half his age and twice his height, so this presidential hopeful has absolutely no trouble reaching for the sky.

Yao Ming – At the other end of the spectrum is a 7-foot 6-inch, 310-pound man who consistently tears it up on the basketball court. Let’s see what happens when King Ming is mainstreamed with normal-sized humans.

Dick Cheney – Rumor has it that this ticking time bomb of a former Vice President has some impeccably fancy feet.

Joe Paterno – This legendary, nerd-like Penn State football coach has the potential of becoming the first contestant eliminated before the music even begins.

Brett Michaels – Who doesn’t adore this heavy-metal-god-who-nearly-died-then-won-the-Celebrity-Apprentice? The camera loves him. He loves himself more.

Mel Gibson – He’s offended Jews, blacks, women and various other minorities. That still leaves a good portion of us ready to witness another meltdown.

 

Any other nominees you’d like to put forth?

 

Prancing with the (loosely-defined) Stars

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It was Kurt Warner who first lured me into considering what I’ve happily managed to avoid for a whopping 10 seasons.

When I heard that my rags-to-riches football hero (and hero at large) would be joining the cast of “Dancing with the Stars,” I knew it might be worth a view. Then after I discovered the melting-pot-of-a-cast also included such luminaries as Bristol Palin, David Hasselhoff and the 76-year-old Carol Brady (host of The Florence Henderson Show on the Retirement Living channel), I knew I was down for the count.

So after enduring two hours of fancy – and not-so-fancy – footwork, I offer some heartfelt, snarky commentary:  

Audrina Patridge (and Tony):
She may not be the brightest bulb in the box, but this reality-show diva sure looked like a million bucks in her warm-up gear. Her final costume choice and disco moves, however, created an unfortunate Saturday Night Fever vibe.

Kurt Warner (and Anna):
I don’t think the Viennese Waltz was conceived as a vehicle for a stock-boy-turned-quarterback – even if he has a charming boy-next-door smile.

Kyle Massey (and Lacey):
He looks like a pudgy school crossing guard, and dances similarly. But his partner…VA VA VA VOOM!

Rick Fox (and Cheryl):
This big galoot of an LA Laker really tried his darndest, and some of his moves were OK. But the height difference was hard to overcome.

Margaret Cho (and Louis):
Madame Butterfly meets The Lorax (and that’s just a description of Margaret).

Brandy (and Maks):
I think I may have witnessed the stiffest black woman ever.

Bristol Palin (and Mark):
Mama wasn’t in the audience, which is probably why Bristol moved like a true-blue hussy.

Florence Henderson (and Corky):
Little Miss Potty Mouth tried a bit too hard to convince the crowd she’s MUCH racier than Mrs. Brady ever was. Her numerous facelifts give her a decided advantage in the smile department.

Michael Bolton (and Chelsea):
I’m just grateful he didn’t sing.

“The Situation” (and Karina):
Mr. Abs of Steel has got some serious ’80s rhythm.

Jennifer Grey (and Derek):
She looks nothing like she looked in Dirty Dancing, but turned in a dramatic performance dedicated to her late co-star Patrick Swayze.

David Hasselhoff (and Kim):
Even cheesier than I had hoped it would be.

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Pictured (from top): two faces of Kurt Warner, floozy-next-door Bristol Palin, 76-year-old sex kitten Florence Henderson and the ever-limber David Hasselhoff. The season’s first cast-off will be revealed on live TV Tuesday night.