Carol Brady

Prancing with the (loosely-defined) Stars

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It was Kurt Warner who first lured me into considering what I’ve happily managed to avoid for a whopping 10 seasons.

When I heard that my rags-to-riches football hero (and hero at large) would be joining the cast of “Dancing with the Stars,” I knew it might be worth a view. Then after I discovered the melting-pot-of-a-cast also included such luminaries as Bristol Palin, David Hasselhoff and the 76-year-old Carol Brady (host of The Florence Henderson Show on the Retirement Living channel), I knew I was down for the count.

So after enduring two hours of fancy – and not-so-fancy – footwork, I offer some heartfelt, snarky commentary:  

Audrina Patridge (and Tony):
She may not be the brightest bulb in the box, but this reality-show diva sure looked like a million bucks in her warm-up gear. Her final costume choice and disco moves, however, created an unfortunate Saturday Night Fever vibe.

Kurt Warner (and Anna):
I don’t think the Viennese Waltz was conceived as a vehicle for a stock-boy-turned-quarterback – even if he has a charming boy-next-door smile.

Kyle Massey (and Lacey):
He looks like a pudgy school crossing guard, and dances similarly. But his partner…VA VA VA VOOM!

Rick Fox (and Cheryl):
This big galoot of an LA Laker really tried his darndest, and some of his moves were OK. But the height difference was hard to overcome.

Margaret Cho (and Louis):
Madame Butterfly meets The Lorax (and that’s just a description of Margaret).

Brandy (and Maks):
I think I may have witnessed the stiffest black woman ever.

Bristol Palin (and Mark):
Mama wasn’t in the audience, which is probably why Bristol moved like a true-blue hussy.

Florence Henderson (and Corky):
Little Miss Potty Mouth tried a bit too hard to convince the crowd she’s MUCH racier than Mrs. Brady ever was. Her numerous facelifts give her a decided advantage in the smile department.

Michael Bolton (and Chelsea):
I’m just grateful he didn’t sing.

“The Situation” (and Karina):
Mr. Abs of Steel has got some serious ’80s rhythm.

Jennifer Grey (and Derek):
She looks nothing like she looked in Dirty Dancing, but turned in a dramatic performance dedicated to her late co-star Patrick Swayze.

David Hasselhoff (and Kim):
Even cheesier than I had hoped it would be.

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Pictured (from top): two faces of Kurt Warner, floozy-next-door Bristol Palin, 76-year-old sex kitten Florence Henderson and the ever-limber David Hasselhoff. The season’s first cast-off will be revealed on live TV Tuesday night.